About a year ago, it dawned on me that I don’t talk about my porn habits with any of my close female friends. Here we are, discussing every detail of our sexual endeavors, the vibrators that are trending, and giving a forced ‘TMI’ warning, knowing that our sense of TMI flew out the window years ago. It’s all fair topic matter, and yet, as a confident, sexually liberated woman of the 21st century, I clam up at the thought of opening up about porn to my girls. Well, here’s the thing; I asked 14 of my girlfriends two questions; "Do you watch porn?” and “Do you talk to your friends about it?’ 13/14 girls from multicultural backgrounds between the ages of 21-26 answered yes and no, respectively. That’s 93 percent. So, here I am, sweating as I type this, to break down three very important reasons why we, as women, need to normalize the conversation around porn: health awareness, industry equality, and sexual empowerment.
Let’s start with the ‘why’ of it all. As the common center of the content and the predominant subject of desire in mainstream porn, why are women not at the core of the conversation? A psychological phenomenon known as the spiral of silence plays a big role. In essence, we humans generally don’t love to chime in with an unpopular opinion or something that casts us in a negative light within our social circles. Research highlights the common tendency to socialize girls in many societies to be private and soft-spoken about their sexual desires. A double standard of sexual openness can be observed in even the most “sexually liberal” countries. The notion that female sexuality is passive occurs in most countries, including the “sexually liberal” ones, not only through teachings and social norms but is also reinforced by stereotypes in mainstream media. With an abundance of messaging communicating that a woman’s sexual desires are inherently taboo, it can feed our aversion to opening up about our sexual habits.
Read more: Women, It's Time to Close the Orgasm Gap
A certain misogynistic air is typically associated with porn arising from its “made by men, for men” nature. Porn carries a strong anti-feminist stigma, and that stigma has a base. A whopping (and horrifying) 88% of surveyed porn contains violence against women. It’s no wonder that women wouldn’t want to proudly boast about their porn consumption when it overtly perpetuates the sexualization and fetishization of abuse. However, this fear of social condemnation is part of the reason that the arena remains so heavily male-dominated. At its core, porn and those who are participating in its production are creating content for some of your most intimate moments with yourself. The content itself can be helpful when done right. For that to happen, though, ladies, we must take the microphone.
Health Awareness
At the forefront of this conversation is the consideration of health, both sexual and mental. Growing up, I felt like an anomaly because I watched porn. I came across porn accidentally at a young age. Having an older brother who forgot to close all of the X-rated windows on the shared family desktop computer will do that to you. The seemingly universal assumption that women (much less girls) don’t indulge in watching porn kept me in the dark and, quite honestly, made me feel like a pervert among my friends. Meanwhile, as I grew into my teen years, I would hear my male friends casually discuss their porn habits without a hint of shame. In fact, there was even a tinge of pride. I always felt most comfortable talking about porn with my ex-boyfriends or good guy friends, and yet deep down, I felt isolated in my journey through sexual curiosity and self-exploration. With the consumption of porn being so normalized among boys and men, they are often the targets of research-based information that warn them to tread lightly or be aware of its negative effects. While my brother was given ‘the talk’ about the pitfalls of porn addiction and the adverse effects it may have, I kept my dirty little secret to myself.
Here’s the thing. Studies have shown that porn activates similar pleasure circuits in the brain as alcohol or heroin. Not to mention the effects it can have on your libido and, subsequently, your sexual relationships. While it’s hard to measure quantitative data surrounding porn addiction, studies have accounted for at least 31% of the global female population admitting to watching porn, although these numbers tend to differ depending on the source. While one can only assume that those numbers are actually much higher, that’s a lot of women that are subject to addictive content with little to no information on how to navigate it. And if no one talks about it, we keep each other in the spiral of silence, feeling ashamed and alone. On top of that, there very well may be differences in the adverse effects of viewing porn on men compared to women, as women often take the role of being the object of desire in mainstream porn, and men take on the role of the subject experiencing desire. However, after scanning the web for studies, the research simply hasn’t been done yet, partially due to the assumption that it’s not an issue that pertains to the female population. While this isn’t meant to be an article about the downfalls of habitual porn consumption, it’s important for women to have a space to be educated on how much is too much.
Industry Equality
This may feel like a counterintuitive thought but bear with me. Before diving into it, it’s important to note that many women live in societies where this conversation is not possible, whether it be because of strict gender norms or lack of access to porn in the first place. There’s a plethora of reasons women may not be able to have this conversation, and in any case, this article is meant to be a soft push in the right direction for those who find themselves in communities where this conversation can safely be brought to the table. In those cases, women opening up about their own porn habits, whether they engage in it or not, brings the conversation to the mainstream and can alleviate the shame of being an openly horny woman. Slowly, we can establish an acceptance of sexual curiosity and porn consumption among women.
Like many other industries, we need more women behind the scenes. While I would love to offer a statistic illustrating the number of women working in directorial roles in porn, once again, I faced a lack of research. So, I dug deeper and came across a few female porn directors who are making the pornographic world a much safer and much more appealing space for women. A great example of this can be found in Netflix’s Docuseries ‘Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On.’ The first episode features Erika Lust, an erotic film director focused on changing the tone for female leads in porn. In essence, Lust explains that sex work and the erotic industry are here to stay, and so is the human hunger for viewing sex on film. In that, there can (and should) be a space for women to enjoy participating in the production of porn rather than feeling objectified, alienated, ashamed, or traumatized.
Lust displays this in a behind-the-scenes shot featured in the docuseries. As soon as the female lead in her film felt uncomfortable, the cameras stopped, and she was given not only water and attention but also praise. She is made to feel like a sexy, powerful woman in a female-dominated setting where her sexuality is treated with respect and understanding. Lust also illustrates that porn for women is not necessarily what you see in Pornhub’s ‘for women’ category. The common assumption is that women are seeking, generally speaking, less kinky or rough content and lean more towards romantic pleasure in scenic environments. Not all women want to watch soft beach scenes of a couple in love. Some women, admittedly, want to watch kinky or rough content. Whether out of curiosity or taste, what’s important is that women want to be able to identify that the subject of the porn is comfortable and enjoying herself.
Sexual Empowerment
The conversation of female empowerment through porn cannot be had without the acknowledgment of exploitation by the industry. Identified as the top-ranking industry for sex-trafficking, the landscape of porn has long since set the basis for sexual abuse, forced labor and the sexualization of female inequality. There’s no denying that porn has historically glorified demeaning illustrations of female submission. Little signs point to the consumption and demand for porn waning any time soon and instead efforts are being focused on how the production of erotic content can be made less damaging. With all the good, bad, and ugly that pornography has to offer, let’s consider how having these conversations can influence our own day-to-day experiences. The tempo of female pleasure has been prescribed by someone who most likely knows very little about female pleasure (due to being, well, a man), which also communicates confusing messages about what women want and how we respond.
The female orgasm has been standardized and mechanically produced to an extent where many individuals need to unlearn the ‘tips and tricks’ they picked up from porn. Because, well, ask any woman (or man); it’s not real life. Erotic content can be a useful, if not obvious, source of exploring one’s own desires. However, the lack of female input on the creative side of production has led to widely miscommunicated messages surrounding how women experience pleasure, which has very real effects (see; the orgasm gap). Pornography does not show any signs of going away any time soon so women, and society in general, can no longer stick their heads in the sand in response to the cultural impact erotic content has. To be able to address the negative and dangerous aspects of porn, as well as the informative and human side of porn, we have to start talking, especially to each other.
Conclusion
In essence, readers: I’m not condoning the damage that the porn industry does. I wouldn’t encourage you to watch porn more or start watching porn if that’s not for you. But as a seemingly average, sexually active, confident-with-myself (depending on the day) woman, I have found myself looking around and wondering if I’m alone in my experience. If I had read an article like this one growing up, I think it would have helped me understand that porn can be as useful as it can be damaging. I won’t mince words here; the production of pornography has historically perpetuated demeaning, if not downright dangerous sexual standards against women. With negative effects ranging from addictive tendencies to warped perceptions, porn has also set the tone for women to scream and squirm at the single touch of another. Part of the inspiration behind this article lies in the fact that I, as a girl, wasn’t made aware of the dangers of porn.
I’m not saying ‘porn is great!’ because that depends on the person and the type of porn. The goal is to encourage women to see the power in taking hold of a space that was not designed to hear our voices.
